Our Last Respect To My Boy...

Today, we went to Sin Ming Funeral Parlour to do our rites for Julius... I never thought that i would tear.. i thought i was ready...

As my mom and her 2 buddies folded incense papers and i was offering joss stick to the Buddha.. i also saw my boy's name written on the 牌... it reminds me of the other day when we went for Ching Ming and had to pray to our ancestors... It writes "故男灵 罗恩乐" (For the passed away infant soul Loh En Le)... Beside his name, there is also my name.. Suddenly, memories of how we gotten his name and how we called for him in my tummy came rushing back to my mind... Parents named their child and hoping to call him when his borned.. but i only got to acknowledge his name on a piece of paper that was burnt to him later...

Julius' 婆婆 and her 2 buddies folded the incense paper as i packed Julius' clothes, milk bottle into the 纸箱 (a box that was to burnt to him later)... Those pretty infant clothes were meant for him when he arrives... i picked and bought for Julius hoping that i could wear for him when he arrives... Now, i had to burnt them hoping that he can wear when his up there... On the paper that sealed the box writes "母 陳韋妏 上" (From Mom, Chen Wei Wen)...

In my mind, i really feel very sad..
The name i got for him wasnt written on birth cert, but on a piece of paper for the deceased
The clothes that i bought for him were not worn on him, but burnt for him..
The milk bottles that i bought for him were not fed to him, but burnt and offered to him...
Every parents will buy milk powder to feed their babies, but i poured them into the box and burnt to him...

My tears cant help but rolled... I took a deep breath, not wanting anyone to see my face...
I swallowed my sorrows and continue to fold the incense paper for my child.

When we burnt the box, i had to even call for him name to collect...
How easy is this for a mother?
Calling him and telling him to collect the offerings?
When 2 mths ago, we were excited for his arrival.....

God, please please save me...
I miss Julius too much...

*Confused*

I feel that i very confused, very fan...
Like everything i think of cannot be solved like tat..
Suppose to buy flowers for prayers, but dun have stock..

Got job offer, but sales job.. then have to sign 1 year contract.. if i preg again how?? Everything is ok, except the contract part...

My room is so messy, how i pack also so messy...

Never ending menses... I enjoyed 1 week of menses free, but now menses again.. ok la, this time round is the actual menses cycle la.. suppose to be good la, cause at least my cycle is not haywire...

Wanna cheong for #2 by April.. but this menses come... nabeizz...

Suppose got $$ to save, but now spending on prayers... = bo lui liao... HOW??

My tummy is machiam i 2 mth preg like tat... wear wat clothes also not nice.. HOW?

KYM ask me to think of happy things... but i so worried about Julius... I keep thinking of him, esp when i remember his face in my mind... how to let go lei? Then how come that bloody woman throw that baby at Changi airport ha? She is nabei one... really... pple like me who enjoyed my preg, had a smooth delivery but a dead baby... HOW COME SHE DUN WAN HERS LEI? Somemore she make the baby die... She ought to deserve a good one from god and law!! How come not me who pick up that baby lei? I will adopt him!

See see.. everyday, i see all the pregnant woman, see pretty and beautiful children... i wish i could be like them or have one of them... No longer have something against preggy, but jus jealous only... haha... Then i flip newspaper and see those bloody woman throwing away their baby... How to let go lei? I feel for that baby.. I FELT MINE TOO...

My precious son, abandoned and left somewhere up there... who is taking care of him? is he eating well? Did he like the romper that mommy bought for him which he wore into that blue box? Now raining, anyone make sure his not cold? How come i dun have an answer when its my own baby???

Why wor? Why they take him away from me lei? I want him, I want to take care of him... Im not like that heartless woman who abandoned her son and not even worrying about him... My son is dead, but i worry for him like he was still arnd.. and that bloody woman dun even feel a single shit!

Yes, im keeping everything to myself... so bottled up that i alr dunno where to start my thoughts from... I cannot even carry my own baby...! What is this?

Come to think of it... I thank my maternal mom from giving birth to me and giving me away to my mom... she had the courage to deliver me out regardless of whatever reasons... and gave me away cause she know she cant give me the best... And thank god i was taken care by my mom, otherwise, i wouldnt be that strong...

Sometimes, i really feel like scolding Julius for being so so naughty...
I feel like swearing at the wall... Swear out my dismay...
But who can i blame to lessen my burden? No one.
That is why everything is all bottled up.

I Pray for Children...

Thou im still young, plenty of time.. but i really dun wanna waste time liao... Have children young, take care of them also easier... Then when lei? Wait Wait and Wait...

Now that i might have job opportunities, but it is not the desk bound that i wanted... But then again, when should i start work? I got check up in April, need a vacation in May... Will my employer ok bo?

KYM tell me that i hide too many things inside my heart liao... She say, if i dun say out, i will fall sick by keeping them inside... And she also "confirmed" my "stoning" habits which we didnt tell her too.. She say i need to change and make myself happy.. Talk about happy things, think about happy things... HOW LEI? How when i will think of my own baby everyday lei? Dun think, but go out also will see one ma... HOW, U TELL ME HOW?

I will try hard for one... hope i have a baby cow in time... or otherwise tiger lor... :)

I need to jia you... now jus troubled about this job offer... need to commit 12 mths, then if i pregnant how? will they ask me to go?

宝贝，妈妈开始前进了。。
你呢？
今天你还好吗？
可爱的你，有吃得饱吗？
没有妈妈的怀抱，
你会冷吗？

Happy Full Month, My Boy...

Today is Julius' full month prayers... Saw the ang ku kueh, red eggs and prayer stuff... miss my baby a lot... if he was around, then he should be quite big liao... Imagine him bring laughter to the family makes me sad...

I hope i can get over everything soon... will be doing a formal prayers (chao du) for him on 31st March.. I hope he will feel better up there... I miss him dearly...

I'm still sensitive over some things about babies... and i can get agitated suddenly... i know something is not right, and i have to adjust fast... otherwise, i may not be able to find myself back..

Sleepless nights... i think if i dun force myself to sleep.. i can stay awake for about 3 days without sleeping... dunno why, i cant sleep... when i do cross stitch, my mind will stray to other thoughts...

After delivery, i can feel my body changes.. i hope i can recover soon..

Need to get a job asap.. i got many things in my mind that i wan to do... i hope i can earn some bucks... I decided to forget the thoughts of having a good pay job, and just move on with a normal job and see where it can bring me to... if i excel, i will excel in that company then...

I need to reset my life... my goals is to complete a family... I need to make big bucks but i need to be thrifty and save up... I want to move on fast, but mentally im slowing down...

People arnd me ask me to take time, but i know time is running out.. i need to make things happen fast.. I know i need time, but i cant just wait for time...

Julius, mommy miss u so so much... So many thoughts of u in my mind... Days when i play with u in my tummy.. Nights that i will purposely lie on ur hands and feel u move... Times when i start to talk to u and sing songs for u... Moments that are so unforgettable... But these are what u left for mommy only...

Sweet heart, as days past.. The memories gets fainter and fainter... It hurts me when my memory is detolorating now and i cannot remember some things so well... One day, the ultrasound scan will fade, and i can no longer see your beautiful face... One day, i will forget those kicks you gave me...

Why are you not here to stay?

Keep my mind away from bad stuff...

i realize there is a change in me... which now makes me avoid meeting pple im not too close with... i tend to stone at something suddenly... meaning.. when i talk to u abt some stuff, i can suddenly stone on the floor or wall and pple might think that i am not interested in what they are talking abt... and to me, i feel that its very rude, but its damn natural... Whats on my mind? Sometimes flashbacks of baby, recalling certain things... Its really not me... i used to chat a lot...

I decided to stop doing sales for the time being... im afraid i will not perform when im pregnant during my probation (if i get a job and successfully conceive).. im opting for a desk bound job... i know its gonna kill me (financially and mentally)... but i pray hard i get some interesting jobs to keep me alive...

6 more days and confinement will be over... i hope i can get a job and conceive... i pray hard..

my maternal instincts are getting stronger and stronger... i thought it will subside, but i realize that after a woman delivers, she changes to become a woman and a motherly figure... changed me to a more matured person too..

honestly, i cant wait to start trying again... but its my first time doing confinement... there are many first times like.. confinement rules, food, body changes and my ?? to when my body is ready to have another baby... but i let nature take its course... and i decided not to stop having babies in future... even if it exceeds our plan/quota, i will still deliver...

the agony of waiting to have one is tiring... and many still plan how many they wanna have... when babies are blessings to us, i will open myself to accept any of them... some may say im foolish, but when gone thru what ive gone thru.. i guess, u will feel the same way for me...

i will be gg thru my first step to quit smoking. i dunno if i can succeed or not, but i wont give up... at least i will cut down my intake also... alvin will be joining me in this cold turkey period too.. i jus want to do my best for my next baby... I even thought of a name of them... Douglas Loh En Yu or Cassandra Loh En En...

Lets pray hard for the arrival of my new comers..

All Alone...

Now confinement, cannot go out...
Looking for jobs...
Hoping i will recover asap to start my Project B...!!

I have not been eating well here... i wanna go back my mom house eat, cause she will cook for me... but the baby next door is the prob.... :(

We are gg to chao du (pray) bb on 31 March... Then have to pray ancestors on bb's full month (24 March).. See.. everything is like that SAME.. but where is my baby wor?

Last night, i cannot sleep... then alvin ask me what am i thinking abt....
I dun dare to tell him what i am thinking MORE of...
Im thinking back on my delivery process...
Im imagining how Julius looks like...
Im thinking how nice it will be if i have baby in my arms now...
Im thinking everything about my child...

Im worried if i can get preg again...
Im worried if it takes too long...
I cant wait for my next baby... :(

Yes, my condition is improving, but no, i have not recovered...

12 days has gone...

According to confinement myths and tradition, once i reached 12 days, i can take alcoholic food and ginger too... Yesterday, i was communicating with a online seller... told her i was doing confinement, so cannot go and meet up and collect items... she asked me how old is my baby... then i told her 2 weeks, cause i dun wanna explain too much...

Come to think of it... even if Julius was a premmie (premature), he would be 2 weeks old liao... too bad, i dun even haf this chance....

I went to my mom's house for lunch on Wed, and she was very nice and sweet... never see her like this to me before... and even gave me a hug before i left... I was stoned when i saw the newborn clothes hanging out my neighbour's house... So stoned that i didnt know how to open and enter the house...

Talked to Fang over the phone last night for a long long time... I think we very long never talk that long liao... haha... Was telling her my labour story... and was very touched by the caring actions... I also dunno how to express my feelings and how thankful i was... Thanks Fang!! :)

Where should we go from here?

Im lost... dunno if i can get a job in time... not sure if i will get pregnant soon... seems like very tough to get employed...

Without baby, everything like so lost... This wasnt what i planned for... Suddenly it slaps me, i dunno what to do...

Happen to read a friend's blog... And i wish to let her know.. Every loss is special.. We may not be similar, but we still got something the same in some ways... During this trauma, my mind no longer works like before... I dunno how to reply in a tactful way sometimes... And whenever i speak of my loss, i get very uptight and stressed about it...
Maybe this was why i choose not to reply sms or msn, cause i no longer know how to express how im feeling inside... Because im lost inside, i longer feel the same...
I hope you understand my words.. and i thank you for your words...
At least i know, all my friends are still waiting for me to come back.

To Me: 可不可以不勇敢

妳用濃濃的鼻音說一點也沒事
反正又美又痛才是愛的本質
一個人旅行 也許更有意思
和他真正結束 才能重新開始

幾年貼心的日子 換分手兩個字
妳卻嚴格只准自己哭一下子
看著妳努力 想微笑的樣子
我的心 像大雨將至 那麼潮濕

我們可不可以不勇敢 當傷太重心太酸無力承擔
就算現在女人很流行釋然 好像什麼困境都知道該怎麼辦

我們可不可以不勇敢 當愛太累夢太亂沒有答案
難道不能坦白的放聲哭喊 要從心底拿走一個人 很痛很難


幾年貼心的日子 換分手兩個字
妳卻嚴格只准自己哭一下子
看著妳努力 想微笑的樣子
我的心 像大雨將至 是那麼潮濕

我們可不可以不勇敢 當傷太重心太酸無力承擔
就算現在女人很流行釋然 好像什麼困境都知道該怎麼辦

我們可不可以不勇敢 當愛太累夢太亂沒有答案
難道不能坦白的放聲哭喊 要從心底拿走一個人 很痛

我們可不可以不勇敢 當傷太重心太酸無力承擔
就算現在女人很流行釋然 好像什麼困境都知道該怎麼辦

我們可不可以不勇敢 當愛太累夢太亂沒有答案
難道不能坦白的放聲哭喊 要從心底拿走一個人 很痛很難
不勇敢

当我不知道明天是否一样美丽。。。

Thruout these 1 week, i have many anonymous friends and many good friends who had never given up on me and had been giving me a lot of encouragements... I really wanna get well soon and not waste all ur hopes... But gotta gimme some time... Some memories, hit so deep within me that its very hard to let go...

Yesterday Alvin msn-ed me when his jus right beside me... he say.. "dear, both of us have to accept that his gone and we have to accept the fact"... i think he also havent accepted the fact, jus like me. Yesterday, he also "accidentally" touch my tummy, jus like how he normally did before he goes to work...

I think both of us are finding ways to forget and let go... but both of us are lost and searching for a way out...

For this one whole week, it seems like everyone like the nurses, doctor, massage lady are helping me to recover fast... but i also feel like.. they are taking away memories from me... Soon, i will have no tummy, i will have no milk, i will lose all the pleasant changes that i had during my pregnancy... And each time it recovers, i will feel something is taken away from me...

Then when will i have something in return?

When can i start to take after all the giving?

To all my forum friends, my buddies, and people that i do not know, but lend me a helping hand to brace up again... (Scroll up, and pause the bear bear's songs)