Haiz... Its that part of time liao..

Yesterday, MIL told me that my niece tutor (who was preg the same time as me) gave birth liao... My ex colleague's wife also give birth liao... See the star awards, pple pregnant... Im like thinking.... "mine should be out by now..."

I feel that i owe Alvin a lot like tat... As a wife, im suppose to complete the family... but how i wanna get pregnant, also cannot... I keep telling myself... now that i waited for 2 cycles, its better and more ideal to get pregnant as this cycle...

But honestly, i cannot wait...

Well... I decided to put down my thoughts of getting a job... Cause i got no heart to work at this moment.. Say mentally recovered... I havent la... Seriously... I dun wanna work at this moment la.. Wait la, wait for a while more....

Oh, i already thought of my next baby's name.. Chinese name...
If boy boy, then he will be Douglas Loh En Zu (罗恩祖）
If girl girl, then she will be Cassandra Loh En En (罗恩恩)
Girl Girl name, i thought of it long ago... Julius is Luo En Le, and because of the incident, and after shen po's consultation... I want to let my bb know to be thankful to his ancestors...

I hope baby faster come... dun let me wait any longer... i almost canno t tahan liao...

Something That I Feel The Way It Is

I happen to read a post from a forum mommy about her lost of her perfect boy at 20 weeks... Almost the same situation im in... What hit me was the words she quoted.. Its exactly how i felt...
My condolences for her perfect boy..

Here it goes..

What will I say? - by Linda Sawley

I won't say I know how you feel - because I don't.
She've lost parents, grandparents, aunts and uncle, friends. But she've never lost a child. She came close, once. She had a miscarriage, but it's not the same. So how can I say I know how you feel?

I won't say you'll get over it - because you won't.
Life will have to go on. The washing, the ironing, the cooking, the cleaning, the command round. These chores will take your mind off your loved one, but the hurt will still be there. A small corner of your heart will grieve forever. Life carries on, but it will never be quite the same.

I wont say "Never mind, your other children will be a comfort to you - because they may not be.
Many mothers She've talked to say that they easily lose their temper with their remaining children. Some even feel resentful that they're alive and healthy, when the other child is not. Children can be cruel too. They may not understand death.

I won't say "Never mind, you're still young to have another baby" - because that wont help.
A new baby cannot replace the one you've lost. A new baby will fill your hours, keep you busy, and give you sleepness nights. But it will not be the one you've lost. And you mustn't try to pretend it will.

You may hear all these and other platitudes from your friends and relatives. They think they are helping. They don't know what else to say. You will find out who are your true friends at this time. Many will avoid you because they can't face you. They'll cross the road to avoid talking to you. Otherss will make effort to talk to you. They'll talk about the weather, the holidays, the school concert, but never about your child - never about you and how you are coping.

So what will I say?
I will say I'm here. I care. Anytime. Anywhere.
I'll cry with you if need be.
I'll talk about your loved one.
I wont mind how long you grieve.
I won't tell you to pull yourself together.
I'll sit with you during birthday and anniversaries.

No, I don't know how you feel - but with sharing perhaps I will learn a little of what you are going through. And perhaps you will feel comfortable with me, and find your burden has eased.

Slowly, i will learn

Im suppose to be into my 38th week of pregnancy... Or perhaps, i have already delivered Julius safely.. I feel very bad each time i see my father in law doing nothing at home.. he was suppose to take care of Julius for me... and now.. his patience is a waste of effort...

Im trying to be happy, im trying to stand firm.. But at times, i will be shaken...

So much that i hope i will get pregnant soon, but seems like everytime the answer that i get is always "Wait"... After so many obstacles, my dreams have not come true...

After Julius' incident, nothing seems to be right.. I still cant find the job that i like/i want to be in. I seem to be losing self esteem and confidence. Everyone has a time limit to their tolerance and fire in them, and honestly, the fuel in me is running out.. and i will be out very soon...

Deep down inside, i dun care if i go jobless for another year or whether i will be able to earn my own money buying the things that i want or not.. My only aim is to have a baby for the family. Perhaps, this is why, i cant hardly find any drive to keep fighting in sales, in my career.

Everyone has their priorities, mine is different from everyone, for NOW.

Sometimes i wonder, how come everyone is so lucky to have everything they want smoothly.. Every giving birth to a baby, such a normal and smooth matter, i can fail in it.. Is my life really so F up? Everything i do, i have to do times to get it right.. Come on, dun let me try things again.. Cant i just get it right at the very first go?

Now that it has happened, i think another chance should be given to me...

Yes, waiting for something that requires time and opportunity is a waste of my time... But i really have no more room to do other things. Mental torture is killing me.. And the fact that nothing is moving on.. I shall remain here until things gets better.

No, i wont allow any pressure to go within me. I am stress enough... I dun wan peer pressure, self pressure or any kind of pressure. Who dun wan to jus get what they wan like that? Now, i am ready for another chance, so... Can i have it now?

I will hold on to what i want and have faith in it. And thats what i want to do...
I just need some support, not suggestions.
To be honest, everyone that tag me on this blog, is still my supporting pillar. Each time when i know the words i typed on this blog is heard and felt. Im thankful that I have strangers that are friends which i havent met.

Serene - Strong determination and will power, Never say die attitude. Everything can be done, nothing is impossible. A truly taurus that is like a strong bull, who dare to face the music, who never fear to step forward even when everything doesnt seems right.

That is the me, the me that i just buried for 2 months. And now, i just want God to give me another chance to have my baby again.. Another way, to unveil the previous me.

God, you created me to be this person that i was. You gave me plenty of tests in my life to prove worthy of thyself. Maybe Julius was not meant to come to earth at this time, but why did you choose me to shoulder all these sadness? I have a breaking point, im not thee. I know you brought me to life, and wont want me to end of my life now. But do you know, do you know that the tears and hardship that i had suffered can drown the entire world? Why, and why do you have to make me go thru tests and tests, time and time again? What have i not learnt to have after so many times of setback? Perhaps, this lesson has taught me to learn "silence" and "patience"... Silence had made me swallowed my own thoughts, and patience is what i always believe in you. So God, is it time to give me back what you left halfway for me? Can you allow me to be like anyone else who can have their own children? And God, you know that i will never say die, but once i give up, i will really let all go. But my hopes of becoming a mother to my children is so strong that it becomes my life goals. Please let me complete my dreams and let me reveal the motherly side of me. Please God, please dun forget me. Please be quick, im losing myself soon...

I dun like the waiting game

People who knows me knows that i dun like to wait..
if i like, i can afford, i will get them immediately..
Things that i wanna achieve, i will do my best to get it done right away..

But but..

This baby thing.. its not really up to me... Pregnant or not, its up to fate..
At this point of time, the change in my career focus has made the process of getting a job slow and tough. If now, i were to get a sales job, i shud be starting my job anytime...
But i believe i will wanna keep a low profile in my career for the next 2 years, partly due to the economic climate, mainly cause i wanna have a baby.

This road aint easy... Time seems to be running out... I wish i could tell myself to relax and enjoy the breeze since i am not working now. But the impatient me, seems to be out of breath every morning i wake up.

I was thinking, even if i were to demolish the thoughts of project B... and just find a job and lead my life like before.. I know it will get me nowhere... If it werent for baby, i wouldnt have change my plans on my job scope..

Say if i change my plans now, and i get pregnant.. i will regret for the next 1 year for the job that i had picked. So now, i gotta bite the bullet and keep my plans movings and reach my goals soon.

Yeah, im very impatient that is making my mind more messy than anything.
Yeah, only if baby comes, then mommy will start finding my focus back.
Yeah, only if baby comes, then everything will be alright.
现在的我，只欠东风。。

Life Changes, Its Tough

Declined the job offer... wasnt comfortable with the contract terms... now im back to my jobless state... honestly, i am lost... Sales is my forte, but i know when im pregnant... fatigue will fail me... then when i apply for office jobs, no one finds me... haizz... i wanna earn my own money...!!

Been trying for baby, i have no idea when Douglas or Cassandra will come... but i really hope its soon. Finding back my focus is what i want to do now, and having a baby will recover my mental stability... and naturally, focus will come back...

By right, at this time... i should be waiting for Julius' arrival any moment...
By right, i should be celebrating my birthday next mth with him...
By right, i should be celebrating mothers' day next mth...

This month till next will be the toughest and the last hurdle i will have to go thru...
And these months will be the months all the memories flows back again...

I dun see the Serene like before.. I become very distracted in everything i do...

Please, let my find my focus back... Let me have another baby...