So many days liao, im still very affected by everything that has happened... i told myself that i need to move on, but somehow i still cant...
Today, i went to many places, and i realise that i still love children a lot.. but the moment i see preggies and mommies, i tend to get very emotional... And when pple look at my tummy, i feel very offended...
Im worried for myself... i wish i could cry out loud, but i got no chance to... i jus wanna stay happy, but somehow, i cant find myself back. I cant find the Serene that is always talking back and happy... The me now is so different...
Whats life gonna be after my confinement?
I caught in the middle somehow.... I wish i can talk to someone that will guide me...
Everyday i miss baby... I miss him in my tummy, i miss his kicks... Why this naughty boy gotta go?
Yesterday went Dr Ang's clinic... Everything was ok.. but seeing all the preggies and babies...... I was like one of them... I wish i could get pregnant again... I want my baby back, can?
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Saturday, February 28, 2009
Wednesday, February 25, 2009
Rainbow After The Rain?
Just as i read fang's blog, this was wat i saw in the sky...
Wondering if Julius' wants us to feel the same way too...
For our love and lost..
Wondering if Julius' wants us to feel the same way too...
For our love and lost..
(The box they left you in...)
God took you away from us...
But they cant take away the happiness you once brought to us...
That is the best gift we ever had in our lives..
That was the reason why mommy & daddy wanted to name you 恩乐..
We wanted you to grow up & learn to appreciate your blessings & happiness..
This name is solely for you and we will keep you always in our hearts...
Im Trying To Let Go...
3 days has past... but my heart is also gone for 3 days... I tried to portray a very happy-go-lucky me to everyone... but deep down inside, i havent stop weeping...
Placing Julius' 3D picture in front of me, i keep asking Alvin if baby looks like the picture.. and i try to imagine how helpless my child is... I know i wont give up having another one, but i also carry fears with me...
A twisted cord is something that i cannot prevent or control... It can happen in 5 mins, which i wouldnt know...
Everyone keep telling me that as long as im ok, as long as im healthy... i know. But carrying a breathless child for a good 3 days, and delivering him the natural way, and now having the gift of mother nature - breast milk... It's tough to accept. Everything is the same... except there is no baby with me.
Stitches are painful, but nothing is more painful than the open wound inside me now... Whenever im alone, i will stare blindly into the air and start to miss my baby... I dunno how long i need to stand up again. I had a lot of setbacks in my life, but this is a battle between me and myself. Someone reminded me that the confidence i have to recover may led me to other wrong directions... and i know that too...
Right now, im trying to find a place to bury the memories and move on... I want to let all these rest in peace... But how long? How much more?
Im tired of smiling at everyone when im damn sad inside... That is why i always choose to avoid seeing people... cause wearing a mask yet crying behind is very torturing.
I need to take a break with Alvin, jus the 2 of us. I want to leave the sad things behind and just take a deep breath outside..
Placing Julius' 3D picture in front of me, i keep asking Alvin if baby looks like the picture.. and i try to imagine how helpless my child is... I know i wont give up having another one, but i also carry fears with me...
A twisted cord is something that i cannot prevent or control... It can happen in 5 mins, which i wouldnt know...
Everyone keep telling me that as long as im ok, as long as im healthy... i know. But carrying a breathless child for a good 3 days, and delivering him the natural way, and now having the gift of mother nature - breast milk... It's tough to accept. Everything is the same... except there is no baby with me.
Stitches are painful, but nothing is more painful than the open wound inside me now... Whenever im alone, i will stare blindly into the air and start to miss my baby... I dunno how long i need to stand up again. I had a lot of setbacks in my life, but this is a battle between me and myself. Someone reminded me that the confidence i have to recover may led me to other wrong directions... and i know that too...
Right now, im trying to find a place to bury the memories and move on... I want to let all these rest in peace... But how long? How much more?
Im tired of smiling at everyone when im damn sad inside... That is why i always choose to avoid seeing people... cause wearing a mask yet crying behind is very torturing.
I need to take a break with Alvin, jus the 2 of us. I want to leave the sad things behind and just take a deep breath outside..
Monday, February 23, 2009
Why?
I came back to Batok cause my neighbour's baby keep crying next door...
I cant help but to think of my baby...
Alvin's not with me.. And when i rub my tummy, i realise bb's not with me too...
I left the hospital feeling very empty... cause i left my bb there...
I cried and cried blaming myself...
Why didnt my baby cry?
Why cant i bring my baby home?
Why did he look so well but yet his gotta leave mommy?
I know i will get preg again, but every child you bear is different.
Julius is special.
What am i going to do with his clothes?
Who can i wear them on?
I really wanna see and touch him....
I cant help but thoughts of feeding baby or nursing baby keeps coming into my mind...
I cant help but to wake up whenever i hear baby's cries...
When i have all the mother's natural instincts, but how come my baby is not around?
I miss my baby.
I cant help but to think of my baby...
Alvin's not with me.. And when i rub my tummy, i realise bb's not with me too...
I left the hospital feeling very empty... cause i left my bb there...
I cried and cried blaming myself...
Why didnt my baby cry?
Why cant i bring my baby home?
Why did he look so well but yet his gotta leave mommy?
I know i will get preg again, but every child you bear is different.
Julius is special.
What am i going to do with his clothes?
Who can i wear them on?
I really wanna see and touch him....
I cant help but thoughts of feeding baby or nursing baby keeps coming into my mind...
I cant help but to wake up whenever i hear baby's cries...
When i have all the mother's natural instincts, but how come my baby is not around?
I miss my baby.
Arrival of Bb Julius
20 Feb 09 (11 pm)
Francis fetch me and Alvin to TMC. I was admitted and met Dr Ang... He accessed me and told me that i was only 1cm dilated. He then accessed me again to put in a tablet for me to help to speed up my dilation. Its was more painful than contractions! But for the sake of delivering bb out smoothly, i had to bear with it...
Contractions starts to kick in, but dilation was poor...
21 Feb 09 (2 am)
I requested for the pain killer to be injected cause i was having cramps, dilation pain and LS (side effects of the Cyotec) Felt very drowsy, and slept till 6am..
21 Feb 09 (8am)
Dr Ang came again.. Accessed me and inserted the pill again... Its getting more and more pain because he will check my cervix and he will use his fingers on me... He kept apologising, but i know its not his fault.
Took the pain killer again at 11am and he came to access at 2pm and 4pm... I was in great pain but the pain killer helped a lot...
21 Feb 09 (6am)
A lot of pple came thru out... But i really got no strength to talk to them.. but i have to push on... I tell myself i cannot cry, cannot sad...
My mom came too... Then i accompanied her to take a cab.. And Paul & Alvin were with me watching TV while i tolerate the contractions. At 7pm, i asked for my pain killer. When the nurse came, and i had to flip for her to inject on my buttock, my water bag burst. I flood the bed and i had to go toilet to check if it was water or blood... I confirm it was water.. and i lay on the bed, flooding the bed... I was all wet.. But the pain killer helped me a lot until 11pm.
21 Feb 09 (11 pm)
I request to go for delivery... The nurse accessed me there and told me that i was 5cm dilated only... I was taught to use laughing gas... The pain was getting worse... Then i called for nurse, and she told me i was 7cm dilated. Shortly, i told her that i cannot take it and she asked me to try push and called Dr Ang when i was 8cm dilated.
Julius was breeched, so buttocks was seen when i pushed... thru out, no painkillers.. i only remember i jus pushed the moment i saw Dr Ang at 1230+am...
I remember that i felt legs, and hands and last the head... I requested not to see baby.. So Alvin saw the whole process... Julius was carried away while Dr Ang told me to use laughing gas cause he gotta put his whole hand in to take out my placenta plus, the umblical cord was detached in the process...
I know i was on "trance" when i inhaled too much gas.. but thank god for that.. i didnt feel that worse part of the delivery (taking out the placenta).
Baby Julius was delivered on 22 Feb 2009 at 0058 hrs.
He was 30 weeks weighing 1.2kg.
Length: 30cm
Head Circumference: 29 cm
The reasons for his departure: Unknown. But suspect that the umbilical cord twisted due to his movements.
Alvin said his got long hands and legs, a lot of hair, smiling eyes. His nose and eyes looked like me. And he was smiling when he was sound asleep in God's hands.
Nurses help us put on the clothes we brought for him and packed him into a box.
And i left to the room without my baby.
Francis fetch me and Alvin to TMC. I was admitted and met Dr Ang... He accessed me and told me that i was only 1cm dilated. He then accessed me again to put in a tablet for me to help to speed up my dilation. Its was more painful than contractions! But for the sake of delivering bb out smoothly, i had to bear with it...
Contractions starts to kick in, but dilation was poor...
21 Feb 09 (2 am)
I requested for the pain killer to be injected cause i was having cramps, dilation pain and LS (side effects of the Cyotec) Felt very drowsy, and slept till 6am..
21 Feb 09 (8am)
Dr Ang came again.. Accessed me and inserted the pill again... Its getting more and more pain because he will check my cervix and he will use his fingers on me... He kept apologising, but i know its not his fault.
Took the pain killer again at 11am and he came to access at 2pm and 4pm... I was in great pain but the pain killer helped a lot...
21 Feb 09 (6am)
A lot of pple came thru out... But i really got no strength to talk to them.. but i have to push on... I tell myself i cannot cry, cannot sad...
My mom came too... Then i accompanied her to take a cab.. And Paul & Alvin were with me watching TV while i tolerate the contractions. At 7pm, i asked for my pain killer. When the nurse came, and i had to flip for her to inject on my buttock, my water bag burst. I flood the bed and i had to go toilet to check if it was water or blood... I confirm it was water.. and i lay on the bed, flooding the bed... I was all wet.. But the pain killer helped me a lot until 11pm.
21 Feb 09 (11 pm)
I request to go for delivery... The nurse accessed me there and told me that i was 5cm dilated only... I was taught to use laughing gas... The pain was getting worse... Then i called for nurse, and she told me i was 7cm dilated. Shortly, i told her that i cannot take it and she asked me to try push and called Dr Ang when i was 8cm dilated.
Julius was breeched, so buttocks was seen when i pushed... thru out, no painkillers.. i only remember i jus pushed the moment i saw Dr Ang at 1230+am...
I remember that i felt legs, and hands and last the head... I requested not to see baby.. So Alvin saw the whole process... Julius was carried away while Dr Ang told me to use laughing gas cause he gotta put his whole hand in to take out my placenta plus, the umblical cord was detached in the process...
I know i was on "trance" when i inhaled too much gas.. but thank god for that.. i didnt feel that worse part of the delivery (taking out the placenta).
Baby Julius was delivered on 22 Feb 2009 at 0058 hrs.
He was 30 weeks weighing 1.2kg.
Length: 30cm
Head Circumference: 29 cm
The reasons for his departure: Unknown. But suspect that the umbilical cord twisted due to his movements.
Alvin said his got long hands and legs, a lot of hair, smiling eyes. His nose and eyes looked like me. And he was smiling when he was sound asleep in God's hands.
Nurses help us put on the clothes we brought for him and packed him into a box.
And i left to the room without my baby.
Friday, February 20, 2009
It's Painful but I need to be brave...
Preparing for my second dosage at 2pm... jus took bread..
When i took my first dosage at 9am, i didnt take in food... so i shivered for a good 15 mins...
Honestly, im scared to take the 2nd time, cause its very suffering for me...
Jus now, i shiver and shiver... then i tell baby.. "bb, i know u r in pain, mommy will protect u de.."
Then the shiver stop...
I hadnt been sleeping... cause when i lie down, tummy is cramp... i can feel water leaking slowly and pulling effect down there... I think i will start to make my way down about 3pm ba...
Last night, Alvin packed a set of clothes, booties and mittens for Julius... And this set was suppose to be the set to be worn when im "suppose" to bring him back during my confinement... Since im not gg to take a last look at him, at least he wont be cold on the way up to heaven...
I actually very scared... but i cannot let my bb feel it also... From tomorrow onwards, there will be no baby in my tummy... No one i can talk to and play with...
When i took my first dosage at 9am, i didnt take in food... so i shivered for a good 15 mins...
Honestly, im scared to take the 2nd time, cause its very suffering for me...
Jus now, i shiver and shiver... then i tell baby.. "bb, i know u r in pain, mommy will protect u de.."
Then the shiver stop...
I hadnt been sleeping... cause when i lie down, tummy is cramp... i can feel water leaking slowly and pulling effect down there... I think i will start to make my way down about 3pm ba...
Last night, Alvin packed a set of clothes, booties and mittens for Julius... And this set was suppose to be the set to be worn when im "suppose" to bring him back during my confinement... Since im not gg to take a last look at him, at least he wont be cold on the way up to heaven...
I actually very scared... but i cannot let my bb feel it also... From tomorrow onwards, there will be no baby in my tummy... No one i can talk to and play with...
The Darkest Moment In My Life
It's now 6am, i decided to pen down my thoughts...
Its been 3 days, Baby Julius has failed to wake mommy up as usual in the morning. I regret to inform all people that my baby has left us on 18 Feb 2009. He made his last movement at about 2pm.
Walking into the clinic yesterday, seeing every mommy the same as me - carrying their hopes with them. During these past 7 mths, i enjoyed every moment bonding with my baby. His movements, thou painful at times, made me feel happy and at ease...
Just few days ago, i was preparing for his baby things... thou not the best for him, but i thought its the least i could do for baby... Now, looking at the bags of nursing things... i miss him very much.
Dr Ang declared that theres no heart beat when i told him that Julius wasnt moving for the past 1 day. Reason - Unknown. Unless i do some checks on the baby, which i dun wanna torture him further, i decided to let it be.
Im thankful that thruout the later hours without my love, i had friends who were there to support me, encourage me and joined me with the last meal with Julius. And Alvin who was there to make sure that i dun give up on my life. He woke up in the middle of the nights to check on me, making sure he follow me wherever i go.
I had to put on the strongest front to make sure i dun fall. Every hour, whenever i see my tummy, it is gg smaller and smaller. Im so afraid to hurt the fragile body in my tummy that i dun even dare to sleep. Im afraid that my turns and my sleeping position will hurt my baby who cant even "struggle" like before when mommy lay on him...
Each moment i step back into my room, tears jus rolled down asking why its me to lose the baby.. why god has to take him away from me... why do i have to destroy everyone's hopes and dreams to see my baby...
Every mommy gets a chance to deliver their love, but i cant bring home my baby today.... I dont dare to face my baby, im afraid, i cannot accept and break down. Im afraid the scenes of today will flash back to me again, every night....
Even looking at prams and children on the streets will make me feel so so bad. I hadnt been absorbing what i ate ever since. My body is rejecting what i ate or drink. I feel so weak.
To all my friends: Thanks for ur encouragements, supports and love showered on me, Julius and Alvin. His departure is very painful to us.. but we know we have to be strong.. After my delivery today, i will be doing my confinement. And this one mth, i will try my very best to recover from everything. I know its impossible, but i will try. Please contact me only after March, give me some time to adjust and re organise my thoughts.
===================================================================
To Julius, My Baby...
I'm very sorry that mommy had to announce your departure the moment i bring u to earth. Spending the last 7 mths with you, was the happiest days mommy's life. Thou you are naughty, never fail to wake me up punctually in the morning, sometimes making mommy bloat everywhere.. Baby, mommy always thought for you, all these are worth it...
I'm sorry mommy cant bring you to family outings, enroll you to the best schools, see you grow and nurture you. Mommy cant show you how much we love you and how much you meant to us. For sure baby, you changed my life...
I was waiting for you to come into my dreams when i saw the white moth on the fish tank. Memories of me rubbing my tummy, and letting you know the fishes in the tanks flashed back and it feel like 2 days ago...
When i wear my pants and making sure that the band doesnt go across my tummy cause you will show your dismay still remains... Now that you are still in my tummy, baby... mommy miss you... can u pls kick me?
I'm sorry to eat the medicine at 9am onwards.. Cause it will be the first step i take to lose you for good.
Sorry for not being a good mommy, i failed to protect you.
Mommy love u always... I'm very sorry my love.
Its been 3 days, Baby Julius has failed to wake mommy up as usual in the morning. I regret to inform all people that my baby has left us on 18 Feb 2009. He made his last movement at about 2pm.
Walking into the clinic yesterday, seeing every mommy the same as me - carrying their hopes with them. During these past 7 mths, i enjoyed every moment bonding with my baby. His movements, thou painful at times, made me feel happy and at ease...
Just few days ago, i was preparing for his baby things... thou not the best for him, but i thought its the least i could do for baby... Now, looking at the bags of nursing things... i miss him very much.
Dr Ang declared that theres no heart beat when i told him that Julius wasnt moving for the past 1 day. Reason - Unknown. Unless i do some checks on the baby, which i dun wanna torture him further, i decided to let it be.
Im thankful that thruout the later hours without my love, i had friends who were there to support me, encourage me and joined me with the last meal with Julius. And Alvin who was there to make sure that i dun give up on my life. He woke up in the middle of the nights to check on me, making sure he follow me wherever i go.
I had to put on the strongest front to make sure i dun fall. Every hour, whenever i see my tummy, it is gg smaller and smaller. Im so afraid to hurt the fragile body in my tummy that i dun even dare to sleep. Im afraid that my turns and my sleeping position will hurt my baby who cant even "struggle" like before when mommy lay on him...
Each moment i step back into my room, tears jus rolled down asking why its me to lose the baby.. why god has to take him away from me... why do i have to destroy everyone's hopes and dreams to see my baby...
Every mommy gets a chance to deliver their love, but i cant bring home my baby today.... I dont dare to face my baby, im afraid, i cannot accept and break down. Im afraid the scenes of today will flash back to me again, every night....
Even looking at prams and children on the streets will make me feel so so bad. I hadnt been absorbing what i ate ever since. My body is rejecting what i ate or drink. I feel so weak.
To all my friends: Thanks for ur encouragements, supports and love showered on me, Julius and Alvin. His departure is very painful to us.. but we know we have to be strong.. After my delivery today, i will be doing my confinement. And this one mth, i will try my very best to recover from everything. I know its impossible, but i will try. Please contact me only after March, give me some time to adjust and re organise my thoughts.
===================================================================
To Julius, My Baby...
I'm very sorry that mommy had to announce your departure the moment i bring u to earth. Spending the last 7 mths with you, was the happiest days mommy's life. Thou you are naughty, never fail to wake me up punctually in the morning, sometimes making mommy bloat everywhere.. Baby, mommy always thought for you, all these are worth it...
I'm sorry mommy cant bring you to family outings, enroll you to the best schools, see you grow and nurture you. Mommy cant show you how much we love you and how much you meant to us. For sure baby, you changed my life...
I was waiting for you to come into my dreams when i saw the white moth on the fish tank. Memories of me rubbing my tummy, and letting you know the fishes in the tanks flashed back and it feel like 2 days ago...
When i wear my pants and making sure that the band doesnt go across my tummy cause you will show your dismay still remains... Now that you are still in my tummy, baby... mommy miss you... can u pls kick me?
I'm sorry to eat the medicine at 9am onwards.. Cause it will be the first step i take to lose you for good.
Sorry for not being a good mommy, i failed to protect you.
Mommy love u always... I'm very sorry my love.
Friday, February 13, 2009
Ang Kong Kia!!
Today finally got the 3d scan...
Half asleep eyes...
Waving hello...
High forehead...
Kuai Lan Face...
Introducing... Weighing 1kg!! Julius!!
(The black thing on his forehead is my belly button...)
Half asleep eyes...
Waving hello...
High forehead...
Kuai Lan Face...
Introducing... Weighing 1kg!! Julius!!
(The black thing on his forehead is my belly button...)
Wednesday, February 11, 2009
Bored Bored Bored
Julius' getting bigger and bigger.. and i think his running out of space in my tummy... Planning to go check up earlier than what was scheduled.. cause my check ups is normally 2nd week of the mth.. suddenly 3rd week, i dun feel at ease...
As usual, im very sian.. stonning at home.. but good news is, MIL jus started her new job 2 days ago! YAY~~ At least i dun feel so confined at home liao...
Heng got ido forum.. if not i sure more boring de...
Something wrong with my HP... sometimes cannot recd sms, sometimes no caller ID.. haizz.. need to waste $$ again...??
It's V Day this sat! but i dun celebrate de.. haha... next week i need to meet mom to go bank change name, meet gwen go walk walk, meet elaine go orchard... and prepare for special mission.. haha.... yay!!
Finally the day is almost ending.. one more day to go.. then Alvin off day! We are gg out to walk walk also... :) so happy... can go out liao...
As usual, im very sian.. stonning at home.. but good news is, MIL jus started her new job 2 days ago! YAY~~ At least i dun feel so confined at home liao...
Heng got ido forum.. if not i sure more boring de...
Something wrong with my HP... sometimes cannot recd sms, sometimes no caller ID.. haizz.. need to waste $$ again...??
It's V Day this sat! but i dun celebrate de.. haha... next week i need to meet mom to go bank change name, meet gwen go walk walk, meet elaine go orchard... and prepare for special mission.. haha.... yay!!
Finally the day is almost ending.. one more day to go.. then Alvin off day! We are gg out to walk walk also... :) so happy... can go out liao...
Sunday, February 8, 2009
谁使老鼠屎？？
haha... just had a quick conversation with fang after so trying to talk to her for so many times... haha... i realise that even before i left ocbc, i always had a prob with her... -- calling her at the wrong time... its never intentional... but whenever she has the "er.. er..." voice, i know she confirm not free.. haha.. and since im jus wanna talk cock with her, i will tell her to do her things.. cause.. she dun like pple to talk cock when shes bz... haha.... (duh...)
and since the tagboard cant tag long long msgs........
To Fangzz: Haiya, dun need thank me la... we both have the same design of mothers... (haha).. i jus sharing my experiences with u... haha... hope ur wedding will be a success... wedding is not 2 pple biz... its the whole family biz... so always go back door esp when u talk to her... haha... lets meet up between 17th - 20th ba.. i gotta go temple pray before hk also.
I also have to thank u for offering ur 1st time to me... HAHA.. first time ballot la... i will only get to know the outcome on 1st april... i let u know ok?
enjoy ur planning ah... if u need ideas, let me know... hee..
and since the tagboard cant tag long long msgs........
To Fangzz: Haiya, dun need thank me la... we both have the same design of mothers... (haha).. i jus sharing my experiences with u... haha... hope ur wedding will be a success... wedding is not 2 pple biz... its the whole family biz... so always go back door esp when u talk to her... haha... lets meet up between 17th - 20th ba.. i gotta go temple pray before hk also.
I also have to thank u for offering ur 1st time to me... HAHA.. first time ballot la... i will only get to know the outcome on 1st april... i let u know ok?
enjoy ur planning ah... if u need ideas, let me know... hee..
Saturday, February 7, 2009
Mommy Went Swimming!!
Thanks to Elaine, managed to go to her place with my SIL and her 2 kids, Alvin and myself for a swim! wa... damn light... i realise that my tummy is damn big now... haha...
jus 2 nights ago, i had a big cramp... first i felt that baby julius was turning and i really mean turning from one position to another... then tummy tightening... then cramps till i cannot stand straight... i tot i was gg to deliver liao.. hahaha... end up i puke twice... its the first time i encounter puking food out during preg!
according to one of the forum pple, they say its called Braxton Hicks (a false alarm to prepare ur body for the actual thing)... i couldnt sleep well thru the night... more to come i believe... esp now im in my 3rd trimester (7 mths)...
Which means... in 2 mths time... Bb Julius will be here to say hello to all aunties and uncles! haha... and i will start to be an auntie liao...
Oh ya, we visited the "chalet" opposite my house.. i decided to make that the place for the bb shower.. it cost me only $85 per night! and we went to recki, that place is not bad wor!
I pray hard also that my comm will be in this fri/sat...
Cant wait to see julius on 16th! yay!!
jus 2 nights ago, i had a big cramp... first i felt that baby julius was turning and i really mean turning from one position to another... then tummy tightening... then cramps till i cannot stand straight... i tot i was gg to deliver liao.. hahaha... end up i puke twice... its the first time i encounter puking food out during preg!
according to one of the forum pple, they say its called Braxton Hicks (a false alarm to prepare ur body for the actual thing)... i couldnt sleep well thru the night... more to come i believe... esp now im in my 3rd trimester (7 mths)...
Which means... in 2 mths time... Bb Julius will be here to say hello to all aunties and uncles! haha... and i will start to be an auntie liao...
Oh ya, we visited the "chalet" opposite my house.. i decided to make that the place for the bb shower.. it cost me only $85 per night! and we went to recki, that place is not bad wor!
I pray hard also that my comm will be in this fri/sat...
Cant wait to see julius on 16th! yay!!
Tuesday, February 3, 2009
Pregnancy makes me think deeper...
Have been thinking a lot abt life as a mom, my child's supporter and increasing roles... then i realise that all mommies are the greatest... im surveying a few banks for my julius cause i plan to start a education savings for him.. i hope he can make use of the money and study more..
because i used to worry so much about money when i was younger, thats why i dun wan my child to worry about it... i mean, money issues when it comes to "needs" not "wants"... i may not be able to provide him the best computer, best psp, best mobile phone.. but all the rest like food, studies, clothes, i will provide him what is best for him.
Thinking back, i laughed at my life... When i was younger, i slog for more pocket money, then i slog at work for better career. Shortly i got married, and i slog to make our lives better.. After baby, i slog for baby's everything...
Im losing all the strength that i used to have before i was preg. And i pray hard that after delivery, i will regain back all my strength and make sure i take whatever my mom cooks during confinement to recharge all these energy back.
Cause i gotta look for a job, and start to save $ and also to have a happy life.
Bb's name will be 恩乐...
because i want him to appreciate whatever happy things that comes to him... appreciate happiness... I always take a long time to "climb" out of worries and never learn to stay a little longer to appreciate the happy and peaceful moments... i want my boy to know that it was never easy bringing him into this world.
And of coz, from here... i learn to love my mom more. her "investments" on me is more than what i had "repaid" her... thinking back on the things i've done to her... i start to ask myself if my mom ever regret adopting me... would her life be even better without me in the first place?
i cant wait to make more out of my life after delivery.. for baby, for mom, for our lives together.
because i used to worry so much about money when i was younger, thats why i dun wan my child to worry about it... i mean, money issues when it comes to "needs" not "wants"... i may not be able to provide him the best computer, best psp, best mobile phone.. but all the rest like food, studies, clothes, i will provide him what is best for him.
Thinking back, i laughed at my life... When i was younger, i slog for more pocket money, then i slog at work for better career. Shortly i got married, and i slog to make our lives better.. After baby, i slog for baby's everything...
Im losing all the strength that i used to have before i was preg. And i pray hard that after delivery, i will regain back all my strength and make sure i take whatever my mom cooks during confinement to recharge all these energy back.
Cause i gotta look for a job, and start to save $ and also to have a happy life.
Bb's name will be 恩乐...
because i want him to appreciate whatever happy things that comes to him... appreciate happiness... I always take a long time to "climb" out of worries and never learn to stay a little longer to appreciate the happy and peaceful moments... i want my boy to know that it was never easy bringing him into this world.
And of coz, from here... i learn to love my mom more. her "investments" on me is more than what i had "repaid" her... thinking back on the things i've done to her... i start to ask myself if my mom ever regret adopting me... would her life be even better without me in the first place?
i cant wait to make more out of my life after delivery.. for baby, for mom, for our lives together.
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