3 days has past... but my heart is also gone for 3 days... I tried to portray a very happy-go-lucky me to everyone... but deep down inside, i havent stop weeping...
Placing Julius' 3D picture in front of me, i keep asking Alvin if baby looks like the picture.. and i try to imagine how helpless my child is... I know i wont give up having another one, but i also carry fears with me...
A twisted cord is something that i cannot prevent or control... It can happen in 5 mins, which i wouldnt know...
Everyone keep telling me that as long as im ok, as long as im healthy... i know. But carrying a breathless child for a good 3 days, and delivering him the natural way, and now having the gift of mother nature - breast milk... It's tough to accept. Everything is the same... except there is no baby with me.
Stitches are painful, but nothing is more painful than the open wound inside me now... Whenever im alone, i will stare blindly into the air and start to miss my baby... I dunno how long i need to stand up again. I had a lot of setbacks in my life, but this is a battle between me and myself. Someone reminded me that the confidence i have to recover may led me to other wrong directions... and i know that too...
Right now, im trying to find a place to bury the memories and move on... I want to let all these rest in peace... But how long? How much more?
Im tired of smiling at everyone when im damn sad inside... That is why i always choose to avoid seeing people... cause wearing a mask yet crying behind is very torturing.
I need to take a break with Alvin, jus the 2 of us. I want to leave the sad things behind and just take a deep breath outside..
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Flat Shoes