It's now 6am, i decided to pen down my thoughts...
Its been 3 days, Baby Julius has failed to wake mommy up as usual in the morning. I regret to inform all people that my baby has left us on 18 Feb 2009. He made his last movement at about 2pm.
Walking into the clinic yesterday, seeing every mommy the same as me - carrying their hopes with them. During these past 7 mths, i enjoyed every moment bonding with my baby. His movements, thou painful at times, made me feel happy and at ease...
Just few days ago, i was preparing for his baby things... thou not the best for him, but i thought its the least i could do for baby... Now, looking at the bags of nursing things... i miss him very much.
Dr Ang declared that theres no heart beat when i told him that Julius wasnt moving for the past 1 day. Reason - Unknown. Unless i do some checks on the baby, which i dun wanna torture him further, i decided to let it be.
Im thankful that thruout the later hours without my love, i had friends who were there to support me, encourage me and joined me with the last meal with Julius. And Alvin who was there to make sure that i dun give up on my life. He woke up in the middle of the nights to check on me, making sure he follow me wherever i go.
I had to put on the strongest front to make sure i dun fall. Every hour, whenever i see my tummy, it is gg smaller and smaller. Im so afraid to hurt the fragile body in my tummy that i dun even dare to sleep. Im afraid that my turns and my sleeping position will hurt my baby who cant even "struggle" like before when mommy lay on him...
Each moment i step back into my room, tears jus rolled down asking why its me to lose the baby.. why god has to take him away from me... why do i have to destroy everyone's hopes and dreams to see my baby...
Every mommy gets a chance to deliver their love, but i cant bring home my baby today.... I dont dare to face my baby, im afraid, i cannot accept and break down. Im afraid the scenes of today will flash back to me again, every night....
Even looking at prams and children on the streets will make me feel so so bad. I hadnt been absorbing what i ate ever since. My body is rejecting what i ate or drink. I feel so weak.
To all my friends: Thanks for ur encouragements, supports and love showered on me, Julius and Alvin. His departure is very painful to us.. but we know we have to be strong.. After my delivery today, i will be doing my confinement. And this one mth, i will try my very best to recover from everything. I know its impossible, but i will try. Please contact me only after March, give me some time to adjust and re organise my thoughts.
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To Julius, My Baby...
I'm very sorry that mommy had to announce your departure the moment i bring u to earth. Spending the last 7 mths with you, was the happiest days mommy's life. Thou you are naughty, never fail to wake me up punctually in the morning, sometimes making mommy bloat everywhere.. Baby, mommy always thought for you, all these are worth it...
I'm sorry mommy cant bring you to family outings, enroll you to the best schools, see you grow and nurture you. Mommy cant show you how much we love you and how much you meant to us. For sure baby, you changed my life...
I was waiting for you to come into my dreams when i saw the white moth on the fish tank. Memories of me rubbing my tummy, and letting you know the fishes in the tanks flashed back and it feel like 2 days ago...
When i wear my pants and making sure that the band doesnt go across my tummy cause you will show your dismay still remains... Now that you are still in my tummy, baby... mommy miss you... can u pls kick me?
I'm sorry to eat the medicine at 9am onwards.. Cause it will be the first step i take to lose you for good.
Sorry for not being a good mommy, i failed to protect you.
Mommy love u always... I'm very sorry my love.
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