Slowly, i will learn

Im suppose to be into my 38th week of pregnancy... Or perhaps, i have already delivered Julius safely.. I feel very bad each time i see my father in law doing nothing at home.. he was suppose to take care of Julius for me... and now.. his patience is a waste of effort...

Im trying to be happy, im trying to stand firm.. But at times, i will be shaken...

So much that i hope i will get pregnant soon, but seems like everytime the answer that i get is always "Wait"... After so many obstacles, my dreams have not come true...

After Julius' incident, nothing seems to be right.. I still cant find the job that i like/i want to be in. I seem to be losing self esteem and confidence. Everyone has a time limit to their tolerance and fire in them, and honestly, the fuel in me is running out.. and i will be out very soon...

Deep down inside, i dun care if i go jobless for another year or whether i will be able to earn my own money buying the things that i want or not.. My only aim is to have a baby for the family. Perhaps, this is why, i cant hardly find any drive to keep fighting in sales, in my career.

Everyone has their priorities, mine is different from everyone, for NOW.

Sometimes i wonder, how come everyone is so lucky to have everything they want smoothly.. Every giving birth to a baby, such a normal and smooth matter, i can fail in it.. Is my life really so F up? Everything i do, i have to do times to get it right.. Come on, dun let me try things again.. Cant i just get it right at the very first go?

Now that it has happened, i think another chance should be given to me...

Yes, waiting for something that requires time and opportunity is a waste of my time... But i really have no more room to do other things. Mental torture is killing me.. And the fact that nothing is moving on.. I shall remain here until things gets better.

No, i wont allow any pressure to go within me. I am stress enough... I dun wan peer pressure, self pressure or any kind of pressure. Who dun wan to jus get what they wan like that? Now, i am ready for another chance, so... Can i have it now?

I will hold on to what i want and have faith in it. And thats what i want to do...
I just need some support, not suggestions.
To be honest, everyone that tag me on this blog, is still my supporting pillar. Each time when i know the words i typed on this blog is heard and felt. Im thankful that I have strangers that are friends which i havent met.

Serene - Strong determination and will power, Never say die attitude. Everything can be done, nothing is impossible. A truly taurus that is like a strong bull, who dare to face the music, who never fear to step forward even when everything doesnt seems right.

That is the me, the me that i just buried for 2 months. And now, i just want God to give me another chance to have my baby again.. Another way, to unveil the previous me.

God, you created me to be this person that i was. You gave me plenty of tests in my life to prove worthy of thyself. Maybe Julius was not meant to come to earth at this time, but why did you choose me to shoulder all these sadness? I have a breaking point, im not thee. I know you brought me to life, and wont want me to end of my life now. But do you know, do you know that the tears and hardship that i had suffered can drown the entire world? Why, and why do you have to make me go thru tests and tests, time and time again? What have i not learnt to have after so many times of setback? Perhaps, this lesson has taught me to learn "silence" and "patience"... Silence had made me swallowed my own thoughts, and patience is what i always believe in you. So God, is it time to give me back what you left halfway for me? Can you allow me to be like anyone else who can have their own children? And God, you know that i will never say die, but once i give up, i will really let all go. But my hopes of becoming a mother to my children is so strong that it becomes my life goals. Please let me complete my dreams and let me reveal the motherly side of me. Please God, please dun forget me. Please be quick, im losing myself soon...