Happy Full Month, My Boy...

Today is Julius' full month prayers... Saw the ang ku kueh, red eggs and prayer stuff... miss my baby a lot... if he was around, then he should be quite big liao... Imagine him bring laughter to the family makes me sad...

I hope i can get over everything soon... will be doing a formal prayers (chao du) for him on 31st March.. I hope he will feel better up there... I miss him dearly...

I'm still sensitive over some things about babies... and i can get agitated suddenly... i know something is not right, and i have to adjust fast... otherwise, i may not be able to find myself back..

Sleepless nights... i think if i dun force myself to sleep.. i can stay awake for about 3 days without sleeping... dunno why, i cant sleep... when i do cross stitch, my mind will stray to other thoughts...

After delivery, i can feel my body changes.. i hope i can recover soon..

Need to get a job asap.. i got many things in my mind that i wan to do... i hope i can earn some bucks... I decided to forget the thoughts of having a good pay job, and just move on with a normal job and see where it can bring me to... if i excel, i will excel in that company then...

I need to reset my life... my goals is to complete a family... I need to make big bucks but i need to be thrifty and save up... I want to move on fast, but mentally im slowing down...

People arnd me ask me to take time, but i know time is running out.. i need to make things happen fast.. I know i need time, but i cant just wait for time...

Julius, mommy miss u so so much... So many thoughts of u in my mind... Days when i play with u in my tummy.. Nights that i will purposely lie on ur hands and feel u move... Times when i start to talk to u and sing songs for u... Moments that are so unforgettable... But these are what u left for mommy only...

Sweet heart, as days past.. The memories gets fainter and fainter... It hurts me when my memory is detolorating now and i cannot remember some things so well... One day, the ultrasound scan will fade, and i can no longer see your beautiful face... One day, i will forget those kicks you gave me...

Why are you not here to stay?