Today, we went to Sin Ming Funeral Parlour to do our rites for Julius... I never thought that i would tear.. i thought i was ready...
As my mom and her 2 buddies folded incense papers and i was offering joss stick to the Buddha.. i also saw my boy's name written on the 牌... it reminds me of the other day when we went for Ching Ming and had to pray to our ancestors... It writes "故男灵 罗恩乐" (For the passed away infant soul Loh En Le)... Beside his name, there is also my name.. Suddenly, memories of how we gotten his name and how we called for him in my tummy came rushing back to my mind... Parents named their child and hoping to call him when his borned.. but i only got to acknowledge his name on a piece of paper that was burnt to him later...
Julius' 婆婆 and her 2 buddies folded the incense paper as i packed Julius' clothes, milk bottle into the 纸箱 (a box that was to burnt to him later)... Those pretty infant clothes were meant for him when he arrives... i picked and bought for Julius hoping that i could wear for him when he arrives... Now, i had to burnt them hoping that he can wear when his up there... On the paper that sealed the box writes "母 陳韋妏 上" (From Mom, Chen Wei Wen)...
In my mind, i really feel very sad..
The name i got for him wasnt written on birth cert, but on a piece of paper for the deceased
The clothes that i bought for him were not worn on him, but burnt for him..
The milk bottles that i bought for him were not fed to him, but burnt and offered to him...
Every parents will buy milk powder to feed their babies, but i poured them into the box and burnt to him...
My tears cant help but rolled... I took a deep breath, not wanting anyone to see my face...
I swallowed my sorrows and continue to fold the incense paper for my child.
When we burnt the box, i had to even call for him name to collect...
How easy is this for a mother?
Calling him and telling him to collect the offerings?
When 2 mths ago, we were excited for his arrival.....
God, please please save me...
I miss Julius too much...
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