Who am I now?

I had a chat with someone, and he mentioned that the Serene he is seeing now is Serene with shield.. afraid of being attacked and harmed.

I agree, totally agree... All the little scenes in the office is making everyone mentally drained.. I am drained, they are all drained too. After a 2 day leave, I told myself no matter what, i have to stand up and move on. And this entire week, i finally worked hard. I really did wor... cold calls, first appointments, PR my existing customers, salvaging some cases etc... I am happy that i am getting the hang of it again, but i also fear the polictics coming along... Showing more face in office naturally means that somehow, someone will get u involved... Sigh..

So maybe tomorrow, i will wake up early to go pray pray... cause my da yi ma coming soon ba, then i cannot go pray liao... mai tu liao... chop chop go pray.. por bi every mth 60k!! 平平安安，小人走远远，贵人多多来！！

Someone also tell me that he wants to see the "5 years ago" Serene wor... Lemme think... 5 years ago Serene... Happy go lucky, everyday roadshow, everyday work, every mth cross target, sales seldom struggle, every month shun shun li li de customers, every night got friends go out drinking, financially stable, had a bunch of good colleagues, had a good botak boss, hardworking lady leader... Smiling everyday, Happiness from the bottom of my heart...

Speaking of which, i very long never happy liao lei... every smile i give now, in my mind, im thinking about how to hit my target, where to get money to settle my debts and clear them once and for all, where to find time to do the things i wan and when i can start to walk towards my career path... Sounds simple? But the only reason for all the future goals to KIV is because of my debts wor... I have been suffering inside for years liao....

Someone offered help, but i am not sure if i can accept or not. Cause i might also indirectly hai dao ta wor... Sigh... I worry the consequences for Someone rather than my consequences not accepting...

Now, i become very defensive of myself, i wear a shield everyday everywhere.. I start to isolate myself and just be alone doing the things i want to do. I jus need time to adjust back.

Thou i know unless i settle the "choke", the water will not flow thru smoothly wor... Lets hope my hard work will pay off ba... I pray hard.. Whoever that is watching me and guiding me up there, i hope that you will guide me thru this crisis.. i need to get out of it by end 2008. Please...