Ah Kim decided to write you this letter for a very long time. You may not see it in your life, or maybe get to understand what im writing about when you are older.
Today was the day when the limit is up. I have tolerated your excuses many times and today, i blew my top at you. Knowing the finances difficulties, i decided to volunteer to guide you through your studies - science. Mommy and myself always try to maintain a good learning habit in you but yet do not want to stress you. But sometimes, you just keep telling us things like 'you are stress' or 'you are tired'. For loving you, we decided to let go a bit and change our teaching methods believing that we are making you stress and tired. But yet, every time we let go, you jus take a step forward and take our leniency for granted.
It hurts me sometimes when i realise that i let you go to much, but whenever i pull you tighter, you will end up in tears. And everytime i ask myself, am i wrong to establish such a learning habit in you.
But my dear, if i dont do this.. you will suffer more when you get older. When every of your peers is taking it seriously but you dont, you will end up having to learn longer, study longer than the rest which will make you even more stress later on.
I always tell myself, i cannot let you end up like me.. i dun want you to learn things the longer and tougher way.. I want you to avoid learning things through short cut and finding ways to "keng" because in life, my dear, you have to be honest to yourself, otherwise, you will end up losing everything in your life.
Ah kim see a lot of pple avoiding problems, telling lies to others and even lying to themselves and end up walking thru the toughest road and always end up regretting. I tell myself, i have to train you from young to learn how to face problems, be responsible for what you do.
You played ytd and did not study what i assigned to you, instead of telling me the truth and get scolded, you covered up by not telling me. I know you are too young to understand that getting scolded is better than telling lie and i know it takes time to make you understand this point. But i also tell myself, i need to give you time to let you know this is wrong but i cannot just let you learn by yourself because a lot of things in Ah kim's life, i learnt it by myself and end up walking thru a dark dark path because i took the wrong route in life.
Maybe you can get out of the dark route like me, but what if you dont? By then, who is to blame? It's not yourself, its us. I blame my mother for not guiding me through the darkest days in my teenage years and made me go one big round.. And i dun wan you to blame me when you grow old.
Im not a saint, i cant promise what i do is right. But i will ensure that, i will let you fall but only teach you to stand up. I cannot help you stand up, do you understand girl? Ah kim may be very fierce to you, but if i just lend you a helping hand, then you will not know how to stand up when you fall without us. I hope you understand when you are older that i just do this for your own good.
To be honest, you are leading a very relax childhood and Ah kim always draw a line between what i expect of you and what i expect of my kids in future. It's not an easy task for me to do because i always treated you like my own. I always tell myself that i cannot expect things from my own kids to come from you because mommy has her own plans for you ultimately which i think i cannot get too involved.
But whatever we do jiayi, it is never because we dont love you or we prefer to dote on didi.. like i told you tonight.. i love you the same as didi.. it doesnt mean that i dun scold didi means i love him more.. its jus because i expect more from you cause i know you can do a lot better.
But everytime i try to love you more, you will always disappoint me.. I rather you be honest to me than covering up... At first, i tell myself its because you are scared that i would scold thats why u cover up. But later, i realise that didi was able to tell me frankly and had the courage to face the music from me... Then i start to understand... Its becoming a habit in you that you cover up and you are afraid to face problems.
Im worried about this... because i dont want you to do that when you grow old. You cannot tide through things by avoiding because it will be there forever... Only when you face it, then it will be over... Again, you are too young to know.. But i cannot give up trying to make you understand.. Cause ah kim found this by learning the hard way... And when i come to realise this, i lost a lot of things in my life already.
Jia yi, please help yourself.. learn to listen and not be defensive.. Everyone here loves you and hope that you can be better.. I dont need you to be scoring in exams with fantastic numbers.. But at least you will learn to understand and grow along the way. Ah kim mommy always tell ah kim.. 小时了了大未必佳... But at least, i need to fine tune your personality and your characteristics... We can tolerate you at home but the outside world might not be able to accept.. So my dear, bear with us while we wait for you to grow up.
So many things in my mind... i cannot pen down all.. as we go along, ah kim will tell you more.. but right now, go sleep and hope tomorrow, you have more attention on me than the 10pm show airing..
Flat Shoes