I had a dream today... dreamt of that enemy i had... i also dunno how to explain that dream but it was an enlightening one. i had been thinking about those incidents for months.. and i know if i dun put it down, i would prob carry it into my coffin.. haha... so i smsed him today. i think i have done my part la.. i have let go liao.. i thought that this is the only time i cannot forgive and forget.. but i guess i was wrong.. i can forgive and forget but jus a little longer to do that.. im thankful that i learn to do it, even thou the friendship is ruin, but i think i have done my part to say what i wanna say and if he has no reaction, then, its ok la.. i have nothing to regret about also.
last night, i was watching show... then i start to think if Julius was here... he would be quite big liao.. then i start to ask myself... how come others are given a chance to have a baby and i dun lei? i also suppose to have a baby that it "that" big liao.. if everything didnt go wrong, he would be in my arms liao. then i realise that, actually my baby hasnt left my mind.. everyday i will think of him. its jus that i always brush the thoughts off. when all the mommies miss their babies, they can always go home and see them after work. when i miss my baby, and i reach home, its still the 4 walls and the bed.
Then i start to ask myself, am i scared of death? then i come to a conclusion... im not worried that one day i might die. cause when i die, i can go and see my baby... i dun fear death because i know, i can get to carry julius when im gone. but i also wan to live cause i am not successful yet. at least, i still wanna have another baby for my family. so, to live or to die, i dun fear any of them.
im thankful that every week of my life is that eventful and fruitful since the day i step out to work. and i hope my kids up there are all doing well.. whenever they can, please let me carry them in my dreams.
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