After so long, its only today that i sat down and think of myself... I should be happy that i have a good job despite the busy hours and other hiccups here and there.. as a head hunter, i learnt a lot of things that not many can learn. I got to understand each individual roles of a specific occupation, the different structures of each company and know many people from different levels. Although i have an impatient boss and sometimes he seems to be more lost than i am.. im still glad that its him that taught me and brought me here. Although the pay doesnt seem that enough for me yet, but i know a few more months, i will lead the life that i used to led.
After stepping into the working society once again, my thoughts and my views changed a lot too. In the past, i used to do things that i feel like, whenever i wanna do something, i jus do, but whenever i feel like stopping, i just stop. Whether it was a fruitful one or not, i didnt take it to heart anyway. But since all the saga, i learn to treasure every minute of my life. I know i will not be 25 forever, and soon, i will be in my 30s. When we are in 30s, we naturally have what a 30 need to do. So now that im still in my 20s, i should not waste my time. I should spend this time to build my own life.
Married to Alvin for 3 years and together for 6 years.. to be honest, its more hardships than anyone else... At times, i wonder why i need to settle down so early, how come i didnt wanna wait a while more... but i can only say, all these are fated. At least, after all the ups and downs, im glad that i trusted my instincts right from the start.
I remember i sat at the coffee shop with Elaine one night, and we discussed about my marriage. She said.. "Serene, now i know why you couldnt leave Alvin despite so many things happened." I remember that was when Elaine met Alvin for the first few times.. and since then, i tried to hold on to it. And after that night at the hospital, looking at Alvin sleeping on the floor without a blanket or a pillow. I realise that, our marriage still has love. Its a bit too long to realise that actually. But i thank god that it came.
It was the love that was showered upon me that i found my way out of the darkness. The remaining fear in me, its only up to me to unlock over time.
Ever since all these, i start to treasure my marriage.. I guess it goes the same to Alvin. After 3 years of plain marriage, we start to spend more time with each other. Do things together, explore more things together (even if it was just a shopping trip to Tampines One), we both feel very different. I felt that our marriage is no longer the same as before, and i believe Alvin felt the same way too.
Since 1st July 2009, i start to work everyday, handling different cases everyday, meeting different people, working day and night. Over the weekends, i will think of different places to go with Alvin. We go explore new shopping places, going to places that we havent been going for a long time, even planning for museums and short trips together... Everyday is a eventful and fruitful day.
I asked myself today, "Serene, what else do u wan? you have a good job, a happier marriage, a fruitful day everyday. What else?" Yeah, financial wise, maybe not yet that stable cause since i stopped working for 8 months, i only drew my first pay last month. But i know things will get better in a few months time and its just a matter of waiting for that long.
Im actually more fortunate than before. Julius is always in my heart, every day, every night. When others who were preg the same time as me has already given birth. And me? Im still alone with my husband. I dun have another one at home, i may not be carrying a baby like what you mommies are doing right now. To be honest, im very prepared to have no children when i grow old, but i also hope that i wont wait too long for another baby. But i know, this kinda things is 可欲不可求. But if i were to have one soon, i think, our marriage would be even better for i know Alvin will be a good daddy and i will be a good mommy.
Right now, i like the way it is and hope it gets even better. I tell myself, 4 more months from now, i will want to be financially stable, i wanna continue to lead a fruitful life, i want to excel in my job and be a true professional consultant for my clients and headhunter will be my life long career for the next 15 years.
As for Alvin, i hope he will do well in his next 2 years in ST, then move up to a management post since he has been with the company for 5 years already. I want him to excel in what his doing, and perhaps be able to work in this industry till he retires.
These few nights, i kept thinking of my mom. I start to worry about losing her. What is my life going to be without a mother? I was brought up without a father, not to mention, i dun even have siblings. If one day, mom were to go, i hope its not so soon. If shes gonna leave me now, im an orhpan when im ony 25. I have no shelter to hide when i met up with stormy days, no one to seek help when im really helpless. Theres no love more impt than the love that parents can give. Just like the way i believe, no one can take care of my own kids the way i can give to them.
But whatever it is, im happy now, and i hope it can be better.
Whoever, or whatever i lost through time... i guess whats most impt is... the things and people that are still with me at the end. Those that are lost, are kept safely in my heart.
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