Happy Birthday To MEEE

Happy Birthday to Me,
Happy Birthday to Me,
Happy Birthday to Me,
Happy Birthday to Me...

*Make a wish*

*Blow Candle*

Hey.. Direction.. Where r u?

Job - Tough to find
Baby - Tough to have...

那人身的目标啊。。。 你在哪里呢？

EDD: 2nd May 2009

By now, i should be hugging on Julius tight...
Enjoying what mother nature gave all mommies...
Sigh...

My little niece had a dream the other day... im happy and sad... Happy that i know his doing fine... Sad cause i cannot imagine having to see my baby in our dreams and not in reality...

Julius baby, mommy miss u so so much... everyday, every night.. u always have a place in my heart... Bring your siblings to me, and i will love them like the way i love you... Give me a chance to show you how much i wanted to love you...

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Haiz... Its that part of time liao..

Yesterday, MIL told me that my niece tutor (who was preg the same time as me) gave birth liao... My ex colleague's wife also give birth liao... See the star awards, pple pregnant... Im like thinking.... "mine should be out by now..."

I feel that i owe Alvin a lot like tat... As a wife, im suppose to complete the family... but how i wanna get pregnant, also cannot... I keep telling myself... now that i waited for 2 cycles, its better and more ideal to get pregnant as this cycle...

But honestly, i cannot wait...

Well... I decided to put down my thoughts of getting a job... Cause i got no heart to work at this moment.. Say mentally recovered... I havent la... Seriously... I dun wanna work at this moment la.. Wait la, wait for a while more....

Oh, i already thought of my next baby's name.. Chinese name...
If boy boy, then he will be Douglas Loh En Zu (罗恩祖）
If girl girl, then she will be Cassandra Loh En En (罗恩恩)
Girl Girl name, i thought of it long ago... Julius is Luo En Le, and because of the incident, and after shen po's consultation... I want to let my bb know to be thankful to his ancestors...

I hope baby faster come... dun let me wait any longer... i almost canno t tahan liao...

Something That I Feel The Way It Is

I happen to read a post from a forum mommy about her lost of her perfect boy at 20 weeks... Almost the same situation im in... What hit me was the words she quoted.. Its exactly how i felt...
My condolences for her perfect boy..

Here it goes..

What will I say? - by Linda Sawley

I won't say I know how you feel - because I don't.
She've lost parents, grandparents, aunts and uncle, friends. But she've never lost a child. She came close, once. She had a miscarriage, but it's not the same. So how can I say I know how you feel?

I won't say you'll get over it - because you won't.
Life will have to go on. The washing, the ironing, the cooking, the cleaning, the command round. These chores will take your mind off your loved one, but the hurt will still be there. A small corner of your heart will grieve forever. Life carries on, but it will never be quite the same.

I wont say "Never mind, your other children will be a comfort to you - because they may not be.
Many mothers She've talked to say that they easily lose their temper with their remaining children. Some even feel resentful that they're alive and healthy, when the other child is not. Children can be cruel too. They may not understand death.

I won't say "Never mind, you're still young to have another baby" - because that wont help.
A new baby cannot replace the one you've lost. A new baby will fill your hours, keep you busy, and give you sleepness nights. But it will not be the one you've lost. And you mustn't try to pretend it will.

You may hear all these and other platitudes from your friends and relatives. They think they are helping. They don't know what else to say. You will find out who are your true friends at this time. Many will avoid you because they can't face you. They'll cross the road to avoid talking to you. Otherss will make effort to talk to you. They'll talk about the weather, the holidays, the school concert, but never about your child - never about you and how you are coping.

So what will I say?
I will say I'm here. I care. Anytime. Anywhere.
I'll cry with you if need be.
I'll talk about your loved one.
I wont mind how long you grieve.
I won't tell you to pull yourself together.
I'll sit with you during birthday and anniversaries.

No, I don't know how you feel - but with sharing perhaps I will learn a little of what you are going through. And perhaps you will feel comfortable with me, and find your burden has eased.

Slowly, i will learn

Im suppose to be into my 38th week of pregnancy... Or perhaps, i have already delivered Julius safely.. I feel very bad each time i see my father in law doing nothing at home.. he was suppose to take care of Julius for me... and now.. his patience is a waste of effort...

Im trying to be happy, im trying to stand firm.. But at times, i will be shaken...

So much that i hope i will get pregnant soon, but seems like everytime the answer that i get is always "Wait"... After so many obstacles, my dreams have not come true...

After Julius' incident, nothing seems to be right.. I still cant find the job that i like/i want to be in. I seem to be losing self esteem and confidence. Everyone has a time limit to their tolerance and fire in them, and honestly, the fuel in me is running out.. and i will be out very soon...

Deep down inside, i dun care if i go jobless for another year or whether i will be able to earn my own money buying the things that i want or not.. My only aim is to have a baby for the family. Perhaps, this is why, i cant hardly find any drive to keep fighting in sales, in my career.

Everyone has their priorities, mine is different from everyone, for NOW.

Sometimes i wonder, how come everyone is so lucky to have everything they want smoothly.. Every giving birth to a baby, such a normal and smooth matter, i can fail in it.. Is my life really so F up? Everything i do, i have to do times to get it right.. Come on, dun let me try things again.. Cant i just get it right at the very first go?

Now that it has happened, i think another chance should be given to me...

Yes, waiting for something that requires time and opportunity is a waste of my time... But i really have no more room to do other things. Mental torture is killing me.. And the fact that nothing is moving on.. I shall remain here until things gets better.

No, i wont allow any pressure to go within me. I am stress enough... I dun wan peer pressure, self pressure or any kind of pressure. Who dun wan to jus get what they wan like that? Now, i am ready for another chance, so... Can i have it now?

I will hold on to what i want and have faith in it. And thats what i want to do...
I just need some support, not suggestions.
To be honest, everyone that tag me on this blog, is still my supporting pillar. Each time when i know the words i typed on this blog is heard and felt. Im thankful that I have strangers that are friends which i havent met.

Serene - Strong determination and will power, Never say die attitude. Everything can be done, nothing is impossible. A truly taurus that is like a strong bull, who dare to face the music, who never fear to step forward even when everything doesnt seems right.

That is the me, the me that i just buried for 2 months. And now, i just want God to give me another chance to have my baby again.. Another way, to unveil the previous me.

God, you created me to be this person that i was. You gave me plenty of tests in my life to prove worthy of thyself. Maybe Julius was not meant to come to earth at this time, but why did you choose me to shoulder all these sadness? I have a breaking point, im not thee. I know you brought me to life, and wont want me to end of my life now. But do you know, do you know that the tears and hardship that i had suffered can drown the entire world? Why, and why do you have to make me go thru tests and tests, time and time again? What have i not learnt to have after so many times of setback? Perhaps, this lesson has taught me to learn "silence" and "patience"... Silence had made me swallowed my own thoughts, and patience is what i always believe in you. So God, is it time to give me back what you left halfway for me? Can you allow me to be like anyone else who can have their own children? And God, you know that i will never say die, but once i give up, i will really let all go. But my hopes of becoming a mother to my children is so strong that it becomes my life goals. Please let me complete my dreams and let me reveal the motherly side of me. Please God, please dun forget me. Please be quick, im losing myself soon...

I dun like the waiting game

People who knows me knows that i dun like to wait..
if i like, i can afford, i will get them immediately..
Things that i wanna achieve, i will do my best to get it done right away..

But but..

This baby thing.. its not really up to me... Pregnant or not, its up to fate..
At this point of time, the change in my career focus has made the process of getting a job slow and tough. If now, i were to get a sales job, i shud be starting my job anytime...
But i believe i will wanna keep a low profile in my career for the next 2 years, partly due to the economic climate, mainly cause i wanna have a baby.

This road aint easy... Time seems to be running out... I wish i could tell myself to relax and enjoy the breeze since i am not working now. But the impatient me, seems to be out of breath every morning i wake up.

I was thinking, even if i were to demolish the thoughts of project B... and just find a job and lead my life like before.. I know it will get me nowhere... If it werent for baby, i wouldnt have change my plans on my job scope..

Say if i change my plans now, and i get pregnant.. i will regret for the next 1 year for the job that i had picked. So now, i gotta bite the bullet and keep my plans movings and reach my goals soon.

Yeah, im very impatient that is making my mind more messy than anything.
Yeah, only if baby comes, then mommy will start finding my focus back.
Yeah, only if baby comes, then everything will be alright.
现在的我，只欠东风。。

Life Changes, Its Tough

Declined the job offer... wasnt comfortable with the contract terms... now im back to my jobless state... honestly, i am lost... Sales is my forte, but i know when im pregnant... fatigue will fail me... then when i apply for office jobs, no one finds me... haizz... i wanna earn my own money...!!

Been trying for baby, i have no idea when Douglas or Cassandra will come... but i really hope its soon. Finding back my focus is what i want to do now, and having a baby will recover my mental stability... and naturally, focus will come back...

By right, at this time... i should be waiting for Julius' arrival any moment...
By right, i should be celebrating my birthday next mth with him...
By right, i should be celebrating mothers' day next mth...

This month till next will be the toughest and the last hurdle i will have to go thru...
And these months will be the months all the memories flows back again...

I dun see the Serene like before.. I become very distracted in everything i do...

Please, let my find my focus back... Let me have another baby...

Our Last Respect To My Boy...

Today, we went to Sin Ming Funeral Parlour to do our rites for Julius... I never thought that i would tear.. i thought i was ready...

As my mom and her 2 buddies folded incense papers and i was offering joss stick to the Buddha.. i also saw my boy's name written on the 牌... it reminds me of the other day when we went for Ching Ming and had to pray to our ancestors... It writes "故男灵 罗恩乐" (For the passed away infant soul Loh En Le)... Beside his name, there is also my name.. Suddenly, memories of how we gotten his name and how we called for him in my tummy came rushing back to my mind... Parents named their child and hoping to call him when his borned.. but i only got to acknowledge his name on a piece of paper that was burnt to him later...

Julius' 婆婆 and her 2 buddies folded the incense paper as i packed Julius' clothes, milk bottle into the 纸箱 (a box that was to burnt to him later)... Those pretty infant clothes were meant for him when he arrives... i picked and bought for Julius hoping that i could wear for him when he arrives... Now, i had to burnt them hoping that he can wear when his up there... On the paper that sealed the box writes "母 陳韋妏 上" (From Mom, Chen Wei Wen)...

In my mind, i really feel very sad..
The name i got for him wasnt written on birth cert, but on a piece of paper for the deceased
The clothes that i bought for him were not worn on him, but burnt for him..
The milk bottles that i bought for him were not fed to him, but burnt and offered to him...
Every parents will buy milk powder to feed their babies, but i poured them into the box and burnt to him...

My tears cant help but rolled... I took a deep breath, not wanting anyone to see my face...
I swallowed my sorrows and continue to fold the incense paper for my child.

When we burnt the box, i had to even call for him name to collect...
How easy is this for a mother?
Calling him and telling him to collect the offerings?
When 2 mths ago, we were excited for his arrival.....

God, please please save me...
I miss Julius too much...

*Confused*

I feel that i very confused, very fan...
Like everything i think of cannot be solved like tat..
Suppose to buy flowers for prayers, but dun have stock..

Got job offer, but sales job.. then have to sign 1 year contract.. if i preg again how?? Everything is ok, except the contract part...

My room is so messy, how i pack also so messy...

Never ending menses... I enjoyed 1 week of menses free, but now menses again.. ok la, this time round is the actual menses cycle la.. suppose to be good la, cause at least my cycle is not haywire...

Wanna cheong for #2 by April.. but this menses come... nabeizz...

Suppose got $$ to save, but now spending on prayers... = bo lui liao... HOW??

My tummy is machiam i 2 mth preg like tat... wear wat clothes also not nice.. HOW?

KYM ask me to think of happy things... but i so worried about Julius... I keep thinking of him, esp when i remember his face in my mind... how to let go lei? Then how come that bloody woman throw that baby at Changi airport ha? She is nabei one... really... pple like me who enjoyed my preg, had a smooth delivery but a dead baby... HOW COME SHE DUN WAN HERS LEI? Somemore she make the baby die... She ought to deserve a good one from god and law!! How come not me who pick up that baby lei? I will adopt him!

See see.. everyday, i see all the pregnant woman, see pretty and beautiful children... i wish i could be like them or have one of them... No longer have something against preggy, but jus jealous only... haha... Then i flip newspaper and see those bloody woman throwing away their baby... How to let go lei? I feel for that baby.. I FELT MINE TOO...

My precious son, abandoned and left somewhere up there... who is taking care of him? is he eating well? Did he like the romper that mommy bought for him which he wore into that blue box? Now raining, anyone make sure his not cold? How come i dun have an answer when its my own baby???

Why wor? Why they take him away from me lei? I want him, I want to take care of him... Im not like that heartless woman who abandoned her son and not even worrying about him... My son is dead, but i worry for him like he was still arnd.. and that bloody woman dun even feel a single shit!

Yes, im keeping everything to myself... so bottled up that i alr dunno where to start my thoughts from... I cannot even carry my own baby...! What is this?

Come to think of it... I thank my maternal mom from giving birth to me and giving me away to my mom... she had the courage to deliver me out regardless of whatever reasons... and gave me away cause she know she cant give me the best... And thank god i was taken care by my mom, otherwise, i wouldnt be that strong...

Sometimes, i really feel like scolding Julius for being so so naughty...
I feel like swearing at the wall... Swear out my dismay...
But who can i blame to lessen my burden? No one.
That is why everything is all bottled up.

I Pray for Children...

Thou im still young, plenty of time.. but i really dun wanna waste time liao... Have children young, take care of them also easier... Then when lei? Wait Wait and Wait...

Now that i might have job opportunities, but it is not the desk bound that i wanted... But then again, when should i start work? I got check up in April, need a vacation in May... Will my employer ok bo?

KYM tell me that i hide too many things inside my heart liao... She say, if i dun say out, i will fall sick by keeping them inside... And she also "confirmed" my "stoning" habits which we didnt tell her too.. She say i need to change and make myself happy.. Talk about happy things, think about happy things... HOW LEI? How when i will think of my own baby everyday lei? Dun think, but go out also will see one ma... HOW, U TELL ME HOW?

I will try hard for one... hope i have a baby cow in time... or otherwise tiger lor... :)

I need to jia you... now jus troubled about this job offer... need to commit 12 mths, then if i pregnant how? will they ask me to go?

宝贝，妈妈开始前进了。。
你呢？
今天你还好吗？
可爱的你，有吃得饱吗？
没有妈妈的怀抱，
你会冷吗？

Happy Full Month, My Boy...

Today is Julius' full month prayers... Saw the ang ku kueh, red eggs and prayer stuff... miss my baby a lot... if he was around, then he should be quite big liao... Imagine him bring laughter to the family makes me sad...

I hope i can get over everything soon... will be doing a formal prayers (chao du) for him on 31st March.. I hope he will feel better up there... I miss him dearly...

I'm still sensitive over some things about babies... and i can get agitated suddenly... i know something is not right, and i have to adjust fast... otherwise, i may not be able to find myself back..

Sleepless nights... i think if i dun force myself to sleep.. i can stay awake for about 3 days without sleeping... dunno why, i cant sleep... when i do cross stitch, my mind will stray to other thoughts...

After delivery, i can feel my body changes.. i hope i can recover soon..

Need to get a job asap.. i got many things in my mind that i wan to do... i hope i can earn some bucks... I decided to forget the thoughts of having a good pay job, and just move on with a normal job and see where it can bring me to... if i excel, i will excel in that company then...

I need to reset my life... my goals is to complete a family... I need to make big bucks but i need to be thrifty and save up... I want to move on fast, but mentally im slowing down...

People arnd me ask me to take time, but i know time is running out.. i need to make things happen fast.. I know i need time, but i cant just wait for time...

Julius, mommy miss u so so much... So many thoughts of u in my mind... Days when i play with u in my tummy.. Nights that i will purposely lie on ur hands and feel u move... Times when i start to talk to u and sing songs for u... Moments that are so unforgettable... But these are what u left for mommy only...

Sweet heart, as days past.. The memories gets fainter and fainter... It hurts me when my memory is detolorating now and i cannot remember some things so well... One day, the ultrasound scan will fade, and i can no longer see your beautiful face... One day, i will forget those kicks you gave me...

Why are you not here to stay?

Keep my mind away from bad stuff...

i realize there is a change in me... which now makes me avoid meeting pple im not too close with... i tend to stone at something suddenly... meaning.. when i talk to u abt some stuff, i can suddenly stone on the floor or wall and pple might think that i am not interested in what they are talking abt... and to me, i feel that its very rude, but its damn natural... Whats on my mind? Sometimes flashbacks of baby, recalling certain things... Its really not me... i used to chat a lot...

I decided to stop doing sales for the time being... im afraid i will not perform when im pregnant during my probation (if i get a job and successfully conceive).. im opting for a desk bound job... i know its gonna kill me (financially and mentally)... but i pray hard i get some interesting jobs to keep me alive...

6 more days and confinement will be over... i hope i can get a job and conceive... i pray hard..

my maternal instincts are getting stronger and stronger... i thought it will subside, but i realize that after a woman delivers, she changes to become a woman and a motherly figure... changed me to a more matured person too..

honestly, i cant wait to start trying again... but its my first time doing confinement... there are many first times like.. confinement rules, food, body changes and my ?? to when my body is ready to have another baby... but i let nature take its course... and i decided not to stop having babies in future... even if it exceeds our plan/quota, i will still deliver...

the agony of waiting to have one is tiring... and many still plan how many they wanna have... when babies are blessings to us, i will open myself to accept any of them... some may say im foolish, but when gone thru what ive gone thru.. i guess, u will feel the same way for me...

i will be gg thru my first step to quit smoking. i dunno if i can succeed or not, but i wont give up... at least i will cut down my intake also... alvin will be joining me in this cold turkey period too.. i jus want to do my best for my next baby... I even thought of a name of them... Douglas Loh En Yu or Cassandra Loh En En...

Lets pray hard for the arrival of my new comers..

All Alone...

Now confinement, cannot go out...
Looking for jobs...
Hoping i will recover asap to start my Project B...!!

I have not been eating well here... i wanna go back my mom house eat, cause she will cook for me... but the baby next door is the prob.... :(

We are gg to chao du (pray) bb on 31 March... Then have to pray ancestors on bb's full month (24 March).. See.. everything is like that SAME.. but where is my baby wor?

Last night, i cannot sleep... then alvin ask me what am i thinking abt....
I dun dare to tell him what i am thinking MORE of...
Im thinking back on my delivery process...
Im imagining how Julius looks like...
Im thinking how nice it will be if i have baby in my arms now...
Im thinking everything about my child...

Im worried if i can get preg again...
Im worried if it takes too long...
I cant wait for my next baby... :(

Yes, my condition is improving, but no, i have not recovered...

12 days has gone...

According to confinement myths and tradition, once i reached 12 days, i can take alcoholic food and ginger too... Yesterday, i was communicating with a online seller... told her i was doing confinement, so cannot go and meet up and collect items... she asked me how old is my baby... then i told her 2 weeks, cause i dun wanna explain too much...

Come to think of it... even if Julius was a premmie (premature), he would be 2 weeks old liao... too bad, i dun even haf this chance....

I went to my mom's house for lunch on Wed, and she was very nice and sweet... never see her like this to me before... and even gave me a hug before i left... I was stoned when i saw the newborn clothes hanging out my neighbour's house... So stoned that i didnt know how to open and enter the house...

Talked to Fang over the phone last night for a long long time... I think we very long never talk that long liao... haha... Was telling her my labour story... and was very touched by the caring actions... I also dunno how to express my feelings and how thankful i was... Thanks Fang!! :)

Where should we go from here?

Im lost... dunno if i can get a job in time... not sure if i will get pregnant soon... seems like very tough to get employed...

Without baby, everything like so lost... This wasnt what i planned for... Suddenly it slaps me, i dunno what to do...

Happen to read a friend's blog... And i wish to let her know.. Every loss is special.. We may not be similar, but we still got something the same in some ways... During this trauma, my mind no longer works like before... I dunno how to reply in a tactful way sometimes... And whenever i speak of my loss, i get very uptight and stressed about it...
Maybe this was why i choose not to reply sms or msn, cause i no longer know how to express how im feeling inside... Because im lost inside, i longer feel the same...
I hope you understand my words.. and i thank you for your words...
At least i know, all my friends are still waiting for me to come back.

To Me: 可不可以不勇敢

妳用濃濃的鼻音說一點也沒事
反正又美又痛才是愛的本質
一個人旅行 也許更有意思
和他真正結束 才能重新開始

幾年貼心的日子 換分手兩個字
妳卻嚴格只准自己哭一下子
看著妳努力 想微笑的樣子
我的心 像大雨將至 那麼潮濕

我們可不可以不勇敢 當傷太重心太酸無力承擔
就算現在女人很流行釋然 好像什麼困境都知道該怎麼辦

我們可不可以不勇敢 當愛太累夢太亂沒有答案
難道不能坦白的放聲哭喊 要從心底拿走一個人 很痛很難


幾年貼心的日子 換分手兩個字
妳卻嚴格只准自己哭一下子
看著妳努力 想微笑的樣子
我的心 像大雨將至 是那麼潮濕

我們可不可以不勇敢 當傷太重心太酸無力承擔
就算現在女人很流行釋然 好像什麼困境都知道該怎麼辦

我們可不可以不勇敢 當愛太累夢太亂沒有答案
難道不能坦白的放聲哭喊 要從心底拿走一個人 很痛

我們可不可以不勇敢 當傷太重心太酸無力承擔
就算現在女人很流行釋然 好像什麼困境都知道該怎麼辦

我們可不可以不勇敢 當愛太累夢太亂沒有答案
難道不能坦白的放聲哭喊 要從心底拿走一個人 很痛很難
不勇敢

当我不知道明天是否一样美丽。。。

Thruout these 1 week, i have many anonymous friends and many good friends who had never given up on me and had been giving me a lot of encouragements... I really wanna get well soon and not waste all ur hopes... But gotta gimme some time... Some memories, hit so deep within me that its very hard to let go...

Yesterday Alvin msn-ed me when his jus right beside me... he say.. "dear, both of us have to accept that his gone and we have to accept the fact"... i think he also havent accepted the fact, jus like me. Yesterday, he also "accidentally" touch my tummy, jus like how he normally did before he goes to work...

I think both of us are finding ways to forget and let go... but both of us are lost and searching for a way out...

For this one whole week, it seems like everyone like the nurses, doctor, massage lady are helping me to recover fast... but i also feel like.. they are taking away memories from me... Soon, i will have no tummy, i will have no milk, i will lose all the pleasant changes that i had during my pregnancy... And each time it recovers, i will feel something is taken away from me...

Then when will i have something in return?

When can i start to take after all the giving?

To all my forum friends, my buddies, and people that i do not know, but lend me a helping hand to brace up again... (Scroll up, and pause the bear bear's songs)

I Cant Seem To Control

So many days liao, im still very affected by everything that has happened... i told myself that i need to move on, but somehow i still cant...

Today, i went to many places, and i realise that i still love children a lot.. but the moment i see preggies and mommies, i tend to get very emotional... And when pple look at my tummy, i feel very offended...

Im worried for myself... i wish i could cry out loud, but i got no chance to... i jus wanna stay happy, but somehow, i cant find myself back. I cant find the Serene that is always talking back and happy... The me now is so different...

Whats life gonna be after my confinement?

I caught in the middle somehow.... I wish i can talk to someone that will guide me...

Everyday i miss baby... I miss him in my tummy, i miss his kicks... Why this naughty boy gotta go?

Yesterday went Dr Ang's clinic... Everything was ok.. but seeing all the preggies and babies...... I was like one of them... I wish i could get pregnant again... I want my baby back, can?